"Oh Shame Daddy" aka How to Speak South African

"Oh Shame Daddy!" exclaimed Jonah, my four year old, approximately 2.5 months after we arrived in South Africa.  So if you are wondering how long it takes a young child to pick up the local lingo, there you have it.  "Shame" is by far the most common expression used here.  It is used to express every emotion as far as I can tell.  Here are some reasons someone would say "Shame.

Me:  Sorry, he is really tired must be the jet lag.
South African:  Oh Shame (expressed in a sympathetic manner)

Me: Thank you for....
South African: Shame, My pleasure (aka You're Welcome).

South African:  Shame, she is so tiny and cute, how old is she?

You get the idea.

The English spoken here is very similar to the English language that is spoken and written in the UK. I remember some of the lingo from the few weeks that I spent in England, but I am still learning.  Its not uncommon for me to ask for something and the person have no idea what I am talking about.  For example one cannot ask for napkins in a restaurant as they are serviettes.  Other examples include,

Nappies = Diapers
Lift = Elevator
Toilet = Bathroom
Basin = Sink
Pram = Stroller
Costume = Bathing Suit

The South African accent sounds like a combination between a British and Australian accent although I am sure a South African would disagree with that statement.  Jonah has already started to pronounce some words with a hint of an accent.  Watch him singing O Christmas Tree and see if you can hear it!

The $40 Doctor Visit

Shortly after Mira was born I received a bill for one of the visits we had with our Pediatrician.  I still remember the feelings I had opening that piece of mail- shock, dismay, fear, and annoyance.  How on earth could a 20 minute well baby visit cost $750.00?  Even though I knew it must be a mistake that I was being billed for this, it was still disconcerting to receive a bill of that size.  It was a mistake thankfully (not the amount mind you) and my insurance covered the cost.

The memory of this bill was triggered when I visited the Pediatrician here in South Africa for Mira's 18 month well baby visit.  Shortly after we arrived three months ago I established a doctor for the kids based on recommendations from my fellow American expat friends.  If you read the title of this post you already know that a doctor visit here is significantly less expensive than in America (and no $40 was not the copay it was for the entire bill including her vaccinations) but here are a few other noticeable differences.

Availability- It is very easy to get an appointment with your specific provider.  When I called for an appointment, they were wide open and offered me appointment times that day as well as other options that week.  I can only assume this has something to do with the fact that only 10 percent of the population has medical insurance.  Everyone else is uninsured.  If you are uninsured you can go to the doctor and self pay or go to a public hospital for free.

Office Environment- The doctor's exam table and medical equipment is in their office.  What this means is that you first sit across from the doctor at their desk and have a conversation, then move over to the exam table and then back to the desk area to talk some more.  The doctor does pretty much everything so you are not seeing multiple staff members.  There is not a medical assistant and nurse taking vitals or asking you questions before you see the doctor.  Also you are not sitting in an exam room alone for 20 min before the doctor comes in.  You enter and leave the office/exam room at the same time as the doctor.  Clearly this system works for them because they are most likely seeing fewer patients in a day than American doctors. From a patient perspective its very nice to only work with your physician and not feel rushed during the visit.

Lobola not to be confused with Ebola

Our domestic worker Jennifer is from Zimbabwe but has lived and worked in South Africa for about 10 years.  She moved here with her family because of the lack of job opportunities in her country for both her and her husband, France.  Her English is quite good so we will often have lengthly conversations about our lives, cultures and the differences between America, Zimbabwe, and South Africa.  I'm sure she has no idea that our conversations are often my favourite time of the day.  I've never had the opportunity to spend so much time with someone from a background and culture so vastly different from mine. Today while we were eating lunch and chatting and really out of no where she says what sounds like, "France has to finish his Ebola."  WAIT WHAT!?

No that didn't actually come out of my mouth but for a split second I though Oh S**T.  After a few questions and her repeating herself multiple times (remember she has a very thick accent and English is not her first language).  I found out that her husband, France is not legally her husband yet because he has not completed the Lobola.  Jennifer is a few years older than I am and her oldest child is 12 years but she is not able to get married because her husband is still working on paying what is essentially a "dowery."  She explained that the Lobola is a set amount of money that is paid to the woman's parents before marriage.  After they dated for about 1 year they decided to get married so he started the process by paying part of the fee and has been working on completing the rest of the requirements ever since.  He has bought his future mother in law a new suit for example and for the final requirement he must by her a cow.  A cow apparently costs about 400-500 US dollars so they are hoping to save up and purchase the cow next year.  I asked her if they thought of just throwing in the towel and getting married in their church without finishing the Lobola.  But as so many cultural traditions are, it is very important to them and their family, so they will wait and continue to save money. Once the Lobola is complete they will get married in their church and finally be able to wear wedding rings.

Five surprising things about parenting in South Africa

1. No Shoes No Problem
You know the expression, No Shoes No Shirt No Service!  Well in South Africa shoes are optional.  It is common to see shoeless children at the grocery store, a restaurant or the park.  Jonah is shoeless at school all day I suspect because every day when I pick him up he has bare feet.  I am the only mom that puts on his shoes at pick up so that he does not walk to the car in this bare feet.  I assume I will get used to it over time but I still have a difficult time allowing him to walk around without shoes on.  Because of the no shoe lifestyle here, it is recommended that parents deworm the whole family at least twice a year!

2. Lots of Help
Shortly after we moved into our house we hired a full time domestic worker.  Jennifer cleans our house and helps out with the kids Monday-Friday.  Before we moved, I had heard that most Americans employ a domestic worker.  Naturally I thought to myself, "I am going to be a stay at home mom so why would I need full time help?" We decided we would hire someone 2 days a week to clean and even help 2 days a week seemed like it would be a luxury.  However once we arrived and interviewed Jennifer it became apparent that she needed full time work to support her family.  I know it may seem strange to my family and friends in America, but here in South Africa we are giving someone a job that really needs one.  I am so happy that we decided to employ Jennifer.  She has quickly become part of the family and Mira especially loves her.  It has allowed me to exercise each day, shop without the kids, and spend time making new friends.

                                  Jonah showing Jennifer how to use Photo Booth on the Mac

3.  No Need for Child Restraints
I'm not exactly sure what the carseat laws ( I googled it but could not find clear information) are here but they either do not exist or are not enforced. Children rarely use a carseat or seatbelt.  Not only are they not restrained, I am not exaggerating when I say that they are literally hanging out the windows and sunroofs.  The public health professional and mom in me wants to scream, ARE YOU CRAZY to their parents.


4. Trampolines for Everyone
We toured a school for Jonah that was also a daycare.  The teacher showed us the infant room (up to about 1.5 years) and the playground area off of that room had a trampoline.  Yep a trampoline (in the ground with bricks around it) for babies!  I just read an article about how a school in America removed swings from the playground for safety reasons.  I suspect that America's litigious ways have something to do with that decision.  The playground equipment shocked me at first but I am hoping for the best.

5. Eating Dinner in Peace
In America there are playgrounds at Fast Food Restaurants but in South Africa there are playgrounds at restaurants that we actually want to dine at and they serve alcohol.  So while Jonah runs around, we  can actually talk.

                                                    Notice Jonah on the slide behind us

The Haves and the Have Nots

At times it can be easy to forget that South Africa is in its infancy in terms of democracy because even though South Africa is not considered a developed country, our quality of life here is very similar to the United States.  This year marks the 20th anniversary of South Africa's first democratic elections and the official end to apartheid.  

My family lives in a beautiful safe community, a spacious house, and we have access to quality education and healthcare.  As far as I can tell nearly everyone that lives on our community is white while nearly everyone that works (gardeners, domestic workers) in our community is black.  Living here resembles what I think the South (in the US) would have looked like in the 1950's.  The black workers in our community are essentially bused in to work for the "rich" white people.  The wages are low but it is considered a "good" job because unemployment is high and it is very difficult to find work.  It is not unusual during daylight hours for 100 people, men and women, to stand outside of the gates to our community hoping to be picked up for a miscellaneous job for the day.  One day when I was dropping off our domestic worker, Jennifer, at the tax stand, three women ran up to my car in hopes that I had pulled over because I was looking to hire some help.  

South Africa has one of the highest rates of inequality in the world.  Because of this, I assumed that a middle class didn't exist in South Africa.  Most Americas support the idea that a strong middle class is important for a healthy economy.  I did a little in research and found that there is a growing black middle class in South Africa as a result of the end of apartheid, improvement in education and an overall change in economic policies (such as credit availability and the government’s Black Economic Empowerment (BEE) program).  One article I read pointed out that the rising black middle class is a sign that race is becoming disassociated with class because the middle class is now more racially represented.  Democracy takes time but progress is being made and the emergence of a black middle class is a step in the right direction.

It Takes a Village

One of the cultural differences I noticed immediately was how South Africans commonly offer parents help with their children.  At first it caught me off guard.  Americans will help a stranger's child if the child is in danger or distress (lost his mom in the store, stuck on the jungle gym and needs help getting down).  South Africans especially black South Africans will help the parent and the child. Let me provide a few examples.  I was shopping with the kids and Jonah needed to go to the bathroom.  While in the restroom, the toilet attended helped Jonah adjust and button his pants.  I was holding Mira and before I even had a chance to try to help him, she was offering assistance.  My favorite example is when we were eating at one of our favorite restaurants. One of the servers, picked up Mira who was fussing so we could eat our meal in peace.  She then proceeded to walk Mira around the restaurant, introducing her to fellow staff,  and even dancing with her in a birthday drum line.  She held Mira for a good 20 minutes and for half of the time I couldn't even see them.   I consider myself to be fairly laid back with my children but I was even questioning for a second if it was safe to let a stranger walk away with my child.  I just figured that was the American in me.

                                                              Mira in the Drum Line

You are moving where??

You are moving where?  That was a common response when I starting sharing our plans.  Followed by "Why" and a funny look.  After a while I started to enjoy telling people just for the look of shock on their faces.  I think our four year old Jonah was getting a kick out of it too, because he would tell random strangers, who would look at me for confirmation (or more likely correction).

Let me start at the beginning, especially for those that may be reading my blog and don't really know the whole story.  

My husband Dave's company has a job site outside of Pretoria, South Africa.  The project is already in its fourth year and will take about 10 years in total.  We had been talking about taking on this opportunity for the last four years if a position became available.  So here we are.  For us it really wasn't a hard, long, drawn out decision.  We talked about it and it just seemed right.  The benefits (truly experiencing another culture, travel, financial) seemed to outweigh the downside (leaving our family and friends).  We signed a two year contract so we are hoping for two years we can buck up and deal with living so far away from the ones we love.

Preparing for our move was pretty stressful.  We have moved before many times; in the first seven years of marriage we lived in seven houses/apartments.  Typically when we moved in the past it consisted of trying to downsize our possessions (over time this becomes easier as you don't own as much and learn fast not to hold on to unneeded items) and we almost always had some professional help with packing and moving.  This move was a little different mainly because it is our first international move.   Logistically, we had to downsize more than ever before since we were only taking suitcases of clothes and some personal items such as kids toys on the plane.

This is 1 of 8 Tupperware Action Packers that we used instead of suitcases.  In total we had 12 pieces of tupperware/luggage.



Additionally we rented a storage unit in Pittsburgh to keep certain items that we didn't want to give away or sell.  I can't begin to describe the amount of time I spent trying to sell and give away our furniture, toys, clothes, etc.  It was exhausting.  We (hmmm Dave) decided not to hire professional packers or movers.  I was cursing him at times under my breath but it did save us money. Emotionally this move was overwhelming at times.  Our family was naturally upset and some members were not handling it as well as others.  It was difficult to know that we were causing others to hurt and to deal with that while we were also feeling sad about leaving was tough.

                                                           Mira helping mommy pack


As it always does, most things fell into place.  Our family helped us with the move for weeks up to the day we drove to New York.  My parents were at our house nearly every day for weeks helping me to sort, pack, watch the kids, and clean.  I stopped working about a month before the move and it took me that long to get everything in order.  Dave was still working but was handling our visas and all the paperwork and appointments for the dogs (I will write a separate blog on flying the dogs).  He was also staying on top of things like banking issues, international driving license,  and purchasing electronics (they are cheaper in the States).

We had to fly out of JFK/NY because of the dogs.  They would be flying in cargo and fortunately were able to be on our flight.  Because of the dogs we had to drive all of us including a lot of luggage, carseats, and stroller to NY.  This meant, renting a minivan and a cargo van that thankfully my parents were willing to drive.

There were so many moments when I couldn't visualize how this move was going to come together.  But here we are starting a new chapter in Pretoria, South Africa with our babies and our bostons (terriers that is) and we are up for the challenge!